I have been feeling low lately. Low would be an understatement but that’s how we will leave it right now. Then, I did something. Against my better judgement, which screamed at me, I re-watched Kimi no Na wa. Makoto Shinkai fantasy romance Your Name (君の名は, Kimi no Na wa) is a 2016 Japanese animated movie (anime) and it broke me.

I feel empty.

I feel…alone.

To quote Miyamizu Mitsuha (the female protagonist of the movie) and Tachibana Taki, (the male protagonist of the movie),

Once in a while when I wake up, I find myself crying. The dream I must have had I can never recall. But the sensation that I’ve lost something lingers for a long time after I wake up. I’m always searching for something, for someone. This feeling has possessed me I think from that day when the stars came falling. It was almost as if a scene from a dream. Nothing more, nothing less than a beautiful view.

I feel like I’m always searching for someone, or something.

…I’m not sure if I’m searching for a person or a place, or if I’m just searching for a job.

_{Ichikawa, M., Kawaguchi, N., Ota, K., Shinkai, M., Kamiki, R., Kamishiraishi, M., Narita, R., FUNimation Productions, Ltd., (2017). Kimi no na wa = Your name.}

I really don’t know why I am writing this blog. Something just compelled me to start writing. All I know right now is this emptiness. It feels like it will devour me whole. I have tried musubi (gathering the threads and connecting with people through time). I have tried loving and accepting myself. I have tried a lot of things. Yet that emptiness lingers on, spreading a miasma of despair through my heart and then my mind.

Just like the main theme of this movie, the reasoning and the logic behind my state is enigmatic. It is beyond me. It eludes me. Where does this emptiness comes from?

Just like the protagonists of this movie, the desire to find that which I love is intangible. I know you feel it too sometimes; we all do. How can we not? We are all looking for love. A person. A feeling. A purpose of existence. Love. Not just love, understanding. That’s what broke me. I lack understanding. I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand the world around me. I just…don’t understand anymore. Why is it this hard?

Grandma Miyamizu Hitoha says this,

Treasure the experience. Dreams fade away after you wake up.  

_{Ichikawa, M., Kawaguchi, N., Ota, K., Shinkai, M., Kamiki, R., Kamishiraishi, M., Narita, R., FUNimation Productions, Ltd., (2017). Kimi no na wa = Your name.}

… and then she says this,

Past this point is kakuriyo; the underworld! In exchange for returning to this world, you must leave behind what is most important to you.

_{Ichikawa, M., Kawaguchi, N., Ota, K., Shinkai, M., Kamiki, R., Kamishiraishi, M., Narita, R., FUNimation Productions, Ltd., (2017). Kimi no na wa = Your name.}

I have treasured my experiences as much as I can. I really did. Why then does it feel like the dreams faded away even before they showed up? Why am I such an aimless, rudderless boat, drifting in a river of mediocrity? I just… I just don’t know.

In spite of how much this movie made me cry, to the point where I couldn’t breathe for a bit, I recommend you watch it. Sometimes, you just have to let it all out. Sometimes, we all feel profoundly lonely and spend years seeking our better halves – jobs, people, purpose; it could be anything. Sometimes, we all feel broken, empty. It’s okay. Tonight, it was my turn to break and feel it all.

When Taki drinks the Kuchikamizake and we see what he sees, our hearts break. When Taki and Mitsuha meet on the edge of the mountain in tasogare-doki (twilight) and Taki writes what he does on Mitsuha’s hand, the words she really needed to hear, our hearts ache. Where is it? Where is that tether, that bond? Why can’t I find it? Why can’t I find any spiritual connection? What did I do wrong with my life, my choices? Why is my string of fate so utterly tattered rather than red and knotted to perfection? なんで?

Today was my late grandmother’s birthday. There’s so much I wanted to tell her, thank her for. I wished for one more moment with her but nothing came. Why isn’t my love transcending time, space and mortality, and allowing me to meet her where things blur? I know she is gone…but not truly gone (because I remember her). Why does it still hurt this much?

I guess Uzumaki Naruto said it best,

It hurts when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory.

_{Kishimoto, Masashi. Naruto. [Series]. Tokyo: Shueisha, 1999.}

It hurts. I don’t know why but it does.

I get like this sometimes. Do you as well? Do you just absolutely shatter? I do. I shatter all the time. This feeling of not being enough just envelops me. It’s okay though because I am my own Tachibana Taki in that regard.

I wanted to tell you that… Wherever you may end up in this world, I will be searching for you. – Taki Tachibana

_{Ichikawa, M., Kawaguchi, N., Ota, K., Shinkai, M., Kamiki, R., Kamishiraishi, M., Narita, R., FUNimation Productions, Ltd., (2017). Kimi no na wa = Your name.}

In the end…

I am still feeling low and I am still crying. Don’t worry, I will be alright. I hope you are alright as well. If you aren’t, know that you are not alone. Miles away, you have the company of this morose, twenty-something girl who is, as she types this, attempting to feel it all. Just like you, she is trying to fill herself with feelings; ‘full of pep’ as my adorable penpal calls it.

I have been feeling lower than I generally do and that is okay.

Everything will be alright eventually…right?

I don’t generally post my emotions online because emotions are fleeting. However, just this once, I did. You can also contact me, anytime. If you want to, feel free to check out my work.